Never Say Never (even when life throws darts at you)

In 1985, I graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill with a B.S. in Public Health. On December 19, 2013, 28 years later, I graduated from Clemson University with a B.S. in Nursing. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would do something so intense as tackle a nursing degree at 50 years of age. I've pretty much astonished myself. 

The whole idea of becoming a nurse began in November of 2010 when I was told that my department at the Greenville Hospital System would be closing due to budget cuts (dart #2). I had just lost both of my parents (dart #1) in January of that year (they died 12 days apart). It was another blow to my grieving heart after losing the two most important people in my life. I was at a crossroads and really didn't know if I wanted to stay in the fitness industry. I had accomplished everything that I wanted and desired to do in that 25 year career. So what do I do know? As I was contemplating what the 2nd life of my life should be, I began thinking about all the wonderful nurses and staff that took care of my parents during their illness. I remembered thinking how satisfying it would be to take care of people in their deepest need and the difference it can make it someone's life. It sure made a difference in my parent's life. So the pursuit began. I enrolled in Greenville Tech and took one online course while still working at GHS. When my job ended in April of 2011, I visited my brother in Vancouver, BC, spent the summer at home renovating my kitchen and continued to consider nursing school while still dealing with my parents estate as the executor. I applied to Tri-County Tech to continue my coursework in pursuit of a nursing career. During this time, my husband lost his job (dart #3), our youngest daughter was having major life issues (dart #4) and our middle daughter was engaged to be married (a bright spot). In the Fall of 2011 as I was taking classes at TCTC and planning my daughter's wedding and worrying about my youngest, I found out that Clemson had a 2nd Degree Nursing Program. It was perfect! In 16 months, I could have a B.S. in Nursing. At the age of 48 I needed a program that was accelerated and allow me to start a new career quickly. However, could I get in? I filled out my application to Clemson in December 2011 and in January I was accepted into their program. In the first half of 2012, I continued my coursework at Tri-County to fulfill the needed prerequisites, my husband got a job (bright spot)  and our daughter was married (bright spot). I was in need of some brightness in my life. Then in August 2012, the nursing program began! Little did I know that I would experience the most horrifying situation a parent could ever experience. At the end of my 1st semester at Clemson, our youngest child was dealing with some life threatening issues (dart #5) and by January of 2013, we were sending her to a treatment center in Florida. How I managed my coursework and physically and emotionally dealt with our family needs is beyond me. Somehow I was able to stay on the Dean's List. I continued on with my coursework throughout the summer and the fall of this year and ended with a 3.73 GPA. So how did I get through such an intense nursing program at a major university, graduate Magna Cum Laude and deal with all my family issues. I have to give God all the glory and praise. I have experienced His grace and favor in a way that just humbles me. He carried me when I couldn't walk (much less talk for crying). He gave me clarity when I needed it. He gave me strength when I was at my weakest. He gave me understanding when life just didn't make sense. He gave me comfort at my saddest. He provided wonderful professors that encouraged me and allowed me to do what we needed to do to get our daughter the help she needed. 

I have to thank my sweet husband, Ed, for all he did to keep our family intact and moving forward. He was there for our children when I couldn't be. He cooked and cleaned and paid bills. He allowed me to do my schoolwork without making me feel guilty for not doing my part around the house. He encouraged me and pushed me onward.

I have to thank my children for allowing Mom to be totally engrossed in her schoolwork. They cheered me on as I made good grades and encouraged me when my test grades made me cry. My youngest daughter is doing much better. 

I have to thank my dear friend, Rich Snead, for being my school partner throughout our nursing schoolwork. We meet at TCTC in a microbiology class while he was reinventing his life and I told him about Clemson's nursing program. He applied and was accepted. We have seen the good, bad and ugly of each other and we made it! 

I have to thank all of my professors and instructors who invested in my education teaching me all the necessary information to be a safe, effective, and compassionate nurse. They stood by me when I was at my lowest and kept me moving focused. I also have to thank all of my friends and relatives who encouraged me and cheered for me as I took this task of becoming a nurse, especially my nurse friends.

I'm amazed at how life can throw darts your way. Yet despite the pain, if you persist on...stay focused...keep your eyes straight ahead...you can accomplish whatever you want at any age - with God by your side!

A Mother taking care of her Young.

This morning as I woke up and made my cup of coffee, I went to look out my front door. For the second time this spring, a mother bird has made a nest in my door wreath. There are three little birds with mouths wide open waiting for mommie bird to bring them their breakfast. What a precious sight to behold. It seems like yesterday I was doing the same for my three precious little daughters. I would usually wake up first and spend some time alone mediating and praying and reading, then slowly but surely one by one a child would come into the den and find a place to snuggle next to me. Most of the time it was my middle child, Lauren. Other times it would be my youngest, Catherine. My oldest, Lindsey, well she tended to linger in bed the longest (and still does). But as I recall those wonderful days some 20 years ago, I can still feel the joy of providing for my children. Making their breakfast, listening to their young conversations, having them ask me a million and one questions about any and everything. 

Those days are far behind me now. My children are grown now. They don't need me like they did back then to provide for their every need (however, sometimes they would love that). My oldest is moved back home after college to find a job and get herself settled into the real world. She's eager to live on her own and make enough money to provide for herself. It's a tough world for college graduates. Lindsey is not alone in having to move back in with parents until they can financially provide for themselves. Lauren, my middle daughter, recently married her best friend and they are living on love and realizing how difficult it is to live on pennies a day. My youngest, Catherine, doesn't live at home. I'm not sure where she is. But she does stay in touch with me and her daddy once a day. She has taken my mother's heart and stretched it to a place I never knew it could go. 

As the mother bird prepares her baby birds to leave the nest, she may not know where they will go. They may stay close and come back to my front door to build a nest for her children or they may go somewhere else. Siblings are independent of each other and they will choose their own course of life. What I have learned is that you have to let them go. You have to allow them to make their own choices and decisions no matter the consequences. It has been hard for me to stand back and watch. As I try to give them guidance, direction and loving advice, sometimes all you can do for your children is pray. Yes, pray!

That has been my source of strength as I have raised my children. Before they were born I gave them to the Lord. I raised them the best I could with what I had at that moment to give them. I wasn't always perfect and I made many mistakes, but knowing that they were the Lord's first and foremost gave me the peace that they will have a bright future ahead of them. 

Granted all three of my daughters are as different as night and day but that's what I love about them. They are their own person. Beautiful in every way and I'm so proud to call them mine.

"Lord, I pray that my daughters will live a life worthy of you and please you in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of all that you are, and being strengthened with all power according to your glorious might. (Colossians 1:10-11) All the days ordained for them were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16) Use them for your eternal purposes. No plan of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) Because you hold all things together (Colossians 1:17), I ask that you hold them when their world seems to be falling apart. Continue to help them discover your plans and purposes for their life and love you for them. I pray that you will prosper them not only in this world but especially in the world to come."

(Excerpts of this prayer are from Prayer for Prodigals by James Banks)

Where Have I Been??

I started this blog back in April 2011 after I was laid off from my job. I was in a pretty desperate place in my life - feeling completely exhausted physically and mentally, extremely unmotivated, terribly de-conditioned given that my career has been centered around health/fitness combined with  major brain fog and spiritual emptiness. Having experienced the "parenting" of my parents while watching their health slowly deteriorate and then seeing them pass from this life to the next was an overwhelming experience for me. I've had a tough time dealing with their deaths. They were the biggest supporters and understood me better than anyone else. Losing both of them within 12 days was the hardest moment in my life.

Losing my job has been an absolute blessing. As I was leaving a job, my husband took on a job that allowed me to stay at home and not have to "rush" to get something else. After spending a week in Vancouver, BC visiting my brother and his family, I returned to my home with high hopes of being renewed, refreshed, and revived in my body, mind, and spirit. The first month was rough. I started about 10 new projects before settling on one main one - updating my kitchen. I went through a time of sickness that kept my daily pace rather slow. One of my daughters was really struggling in life and my heart was torn a part. Seeing your child suffer mentally is beyond expression. After going to the doctor for a physical and beginning to "rethink" my life I saw myself slowly re-emerging. I started taking care of Carol Renee. I got weekly massages, attended a Yoga Restorative Retreat, pampered myself with pedicures/manicures, and I began counseling sessions to work through some major issues in my life.  I, also, began co-teaching Zumba classes with a dear friend who just let me dive in head-first. I've been certified to teach Zumba since the fall of 2009 but never really took the time to practice and teach regularly. I also discovered teachings by a psychiatrist, Dr. Tim Jennings (www.comeandreason.com), that has totally changed my thinking about God's love for me. Each day I could feel my old self coming back. I could sense my smile coming through my eyes and not just a curve of my lips on my face.

The kitchen is complete (almost ). My daughter is doing much better and is learning coping skills to deal with the many pressures and stressors of life. Things are beginning to look up for me. I'm getting back into the one thing that I loved to do early in my career - instructing/teaching others in the field of fitness/wellness.

True wisdom comes through the experience in our lives. Until you go through valleys, struggles, trials and disappointments - trail through the rough patches then emerge on the other side and begin climbing that mountain - it's really hard to relate with other people when they are struggling through life. I've always been a firm believer that whatever I go through in life is just an avenue for me to relate, share, and understood someone else going through the same thing. Life is not for the faint-hearted. To appreciate it all you have to take each life experience and learn from it - choose to make it a positive energy to fuel your life.

Watch the video "Better Than A Hallelujah" Amy Grant

Eulogy for my Daddy

Thoughts about my father, Bobby Ross:

When I think of my daddy these words come to mind
• Laughter
• Optimism
• Godliness
• Passion 
• Love

Daddy was fun. As children, he would take us to fun events like the Ringling Bros & Barnum and Bailey Circus, The Ice Capsades, Putt-Putt, par 3 golf, baseball games, etc. He always loved to laugh, tell jokes and be silly. Dad had a smile that was contagious. 

He loved children, especially his grandchildren. As infants, he would talk “baby talk”. As toddlers, he would get on the floor and play with them. As school age children he would take them to the church playground or to the church gym for a game of basketball.

Dad just loved life. He preached hundreds of sermons on being positive, joyful, overcoming, how to be happy. I can hear him say… “Expect great things to happen and great things will happen.”

Dad was a man after God’s own heart. As a child, I really thought that he had a direct line to God that nobody else had. There was something about his prayers – they were powerful and effective. He taught us about Jesus – the importance of putting Christ first in our life. Many mornings when I would wake up early, I would tip toe downstairs only to find him on his knees in the den or in his office praying.

Dad was the same man at home as he was behind the pulpit. He made sure he had devotions with us before school – even if we were running late. When dad counseled us, he always brought us back to God – seeking God’s will, praying daily, reading the Bible regularly, and believing in God’s promises. Reminding us that being dedicated to Christ is the greatest cause in the entire world.

Dad was passionate – passionate about his church, his family, the Lord and of course, mom. We never doubted dad’s love for mom growing up. He kissed her often – whether she was cooking, working around the house, watching TV. He would rub her feet most Saturday nights while we watched “The Lawrence Welk Show”. They would buy each other beautiful cards for birthdays, anniversary, Valentine’s Day and Christmas and then write their own loving words in the card for each other. Dad would leave a note for mom every morning by the coffee pot saying sweet words of love and adoration to her. 

Mom and Dad were inseparable, especially once we were on our own and raising our own families. You didn’t see one without the other. They loved traveling together. Mom was always the navigator and kept meticulous notes on their trips. They loved praying together. In fact, they prayed together every morning and night. They prayed for anyone in need. Their sensitivity to the Holy Spirit was a comfort for many people. There have been countless times I have called mom and dad and have asked them to pray for me. Even my children learned to do the same…”let’s call papaw and grandmamma to pray.

My parents were one-of-a-kind. I feel so privileged and honored to be their daughter. The have taught me how to live – they gave me a solid foundation to build my life on. They were “God” in the flesh to me – loving me when I disappointed them, forgiving me when I acted selfishly, and letting me know that no what I will always be their child – their “baby girl”.

If my parents loved me this much – how much more does God love me.

Dad touched thousands of lives in his lifetime. I heard over and over last night the comment “I am who I am today because of your father….he led me to the Lord…he baptized me and my family…he came to visit my father in the hospital everyday and prayed for him…he married us…..he preached my husband’s funeral….he visited me when I was sick… he welcomed me in when I was new to the area….he fed me spiritually and gave me the bread of Life – God’s Word. Daddy was a PASTOR – a shepherd of his sheep. If one went astray …. He would leave the 99 and go after the one and bring them back into the fold.

Dad loved his members and counted them his friends. Mom and dad traveled to where you were to visit with you…to pray with you…to counsel you….to help you through a crisis…to just come and have some R&R.

You see dad was “God” in the flesh to those he touched. If Pastor Ross cares this much for me…if he loves me this much…how much more does God love me.

Dr. L Nelson Bell, Ruth Graham’s father, wrote “Only those who are prepared to die are really prepared to live.” The uncertainty is not in the dying, it’s the preparation. If any two people were prepared to die, it was mom and dad. If any two lived – it was them. Their goal in life was to make sure no one was uncertain about their preparation for life after death. Souls for Christ was his cry. And why did they feel this way…….They knew where they were going. Dad loved singing about it – “I’ll Fly Away”, “Meeting In The Air”. 

I found a song in one of his old songbooks called “Heaven Will Surely Be Worth It All”.

Often, I’m hindered on my way.
Burdened so heavy I almost fall
Then I hear Jesus sweetly say
“Heaven will surely be worth it all”

Heaven will surely be worth it all
Worth all the sorrows that have befall
After this life with all it’s strife
Heaven will surely be worth it all.

On the morning dad died, a dear friend sent me an email letting me know that he heard about dad’s passing. He told me….before I knew anything about your dad’s death…I was folding clothes this morning and just had this vision of dad going to a gate and being greeted by your mom….she said “ Bobbie, I’ve been waiting on you.” As she reached out to take his hand she added, “I have so much to show you. Isn’t it wonderful here”. And they walked away hand in hand through the gate into heaven.

Mom went ahead 12 days earlier to get things ready for daddy…. that’s just like her.

Tribute To My Mother, Jean Clutts Ross

I wrote this note on my facebook page soon after my mother passed away. 

My sweet loving mother, Jean C. Ross, went to be with the Lord one year ago today, January 26, 2010. She suffered from bladder cancer for 2 years; however, through out the 2 year period I rarely heard my mother complain. When my daddy had his stroke in Dec. 2008, mom's life would be forever changed. Once we got daddy settled into the nursing home (Asbury at Aldersgate), mom went back to the house they lived in for 40 years alone for the first time. We knew at that point we had to move mom out of the house and get her closer to daddy. Unfortunately, in late January '09 we found out that mom's bladder cancer had moved into her lung. Surgery was scheduled in February. After her surgery, we moved mom into the nursing home to recovery and be close to daddy. During this time, mom had a room right across the hall from daddy on the first floor. For three weeks she was able to recover and be close to her Beloved Bobby. Then Kathy and I proceeded to move mom into a beautiful apartment in Aldersgate which put her in the same community that daddy was in and would be for the rest of his life. Mom's daily routine from March '09- September '09 was to get up every morning and begin making her way over to daddy's room to visit him for the day. Fortunately, the Eastway Church Family stepped in and provided mom with all the resources she needed when Kathy, Wayne or I could not provide it ourselves. It was such a beautiful example of what Christ intended to the church to do when its members are in need. I'll never forget all the visits from church members (past and present) who visited mom and dad daily. 

As the year progressed so did mom's cancer. Cancer is such an evil disease when it takes over your body. In September '09, the doctor told us mom had 2 months at best to live. Given that information, we moved mom from her apartment and placed her into Asbury. The Lord opened up a room on the 2nd floor where daddy was. She was on one end and daddy was on the other - but that did not deter mom from either walking or strolling herself down the hall in her wheelchair to see daddy. Plus the Asbury staff would bring daddy to mom if she couldn't make it. Then in mid-December '09, the room across from mom's opened up and we were able to move daddy into that room. Oh what a blessing! For the next 7 weeks mom and dad had their own little corner of the world at the end of the hall. It made it so very convenient for everyone to visit them and to allow them to visit each other. Just another wonderful blessing from the Lord.

Mom lived up to the day she became unresponsive. I remember walking into her room and seeing her in the coma...I couldn't leave her side. I knew her days were few...very few. I stayed with mom Saturday and Sunday night. Then on Monday morning, my birthday, mom opened her eyes for the first time in 3 days. Ah! What a beautiful birthday gift she gave me! Later that evening when Wayne, Kathy and I were sitting in her room and having a birthday moment (opening gifts and cards) mom opened her eyes again - she wanted me to know that she was there with us. 

We went to dinner and came back to her room. The nurses said it wouldn't be very long. We stayed with mom all night watching her breath swallow breathes wondering if each one was the last. At 5am I looked at my brother, Wayne, and said "she could do this for several more hours". Being extremely exhausted and with no sleep, we left mom knowing that more than likely that was the last time we would see her alive. Then 4 hours later, mom took her final breath and saw Jesus for the first time at 8:55am. 

I wanted to be with my dear mama when she passed from this life to the next. I tried very hard to do so - not leaving her side except to have a birthday dinner with my siblings. I look back and realized that mama didn't want me there. She wanted me to have the memory of her alive and well - not eaten up by cancer. Mama had a way of getting what she wanted and that's what she wanted in the end. She knew that dying to this old body was life in her glorious body. She is now truly living! And she is enjoying the glories of heaven with my daddy. 

At mom's funeral, I couldn't prepare a eulogy for her. My heart was too raw, too tender. I just spoke from my heart...literally. Still to this day, it's hard for me to form the words to express what my dear precious mother meant to me. She was the most beautiful woman...lady I've ever known. She was the definition of "mother". She lived her life with such grace and elegance. She was a quiet woman (at times) but very mindful. She loved us (Wayne, Kathy, Me) and would do anything for us. She was our biggest defender and advocate. She made it a point in her day to always be home when we returned from school in the afternoon. Daddy always woke us up and  got us out the door, but mama welcomed us home. She had dinner on the table every night. We always celebrated our birthdays ON our birthdays - never before or after.  As mom got older she became more vocal and funny. She would often burst into a song (typically from the 40's era) to respond to the moment at hand. She had the memory of an elephant too. She forgave, but she rarely forgot. 

The most inspiring aspect of mom was her prayer life. She prayed every morning and night. I remember seeing her when I was child on her knees at her bed praying for all the family. Calling each one of us by name. As mom and dad grew older, their prayer life got stronger. Many people called mom and dad to have them pray for them. When mom and dad prayed you knew that the Lord had heard. That was mom and dad's ministry at the end of their life- praying and ministering to others in need. In mom's last days, she was praying for everyone who came to visit her. Amazing!!!

I could go on and on about my sweet mother. My desire and prayer is that I can be just half the mother to my three beautiful daughters that she was to me. Mama left me a wonderful legacy and for that I'm forever grateful to her. I know that I will see my mom and dad again. That in itself gives me hope and fills my heart with joy. The grief has lessened, the burden is lighter and my faith is stronger. 

Thank you Mama! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel so blessed to be YOUR child, YOUR Baby Girl, YOUR Sunshine. I love you with all my heart and I'm smiling the smile you always loved to see on my face. As you would often say to me "you smile through tears". Here's one for you!!!

I love you forever,

Renee

What is this blog all about?

Hello,
My Blog name is Carol Renee Ross King. I love using my full name because it tells the story of me - from childhood to adulthood from single life to married life.

So you may ask "why are you starting a blog?" Good question! Well, I'm asking myself that same question and the answer is that I want to start something new and creative. I've lived a pretty stressful life over the past 3 years. I've experienced a lot and I've learned a lot. So I wanted to share with those who might be interested in my crazy little life down here in the South in hopes that it may teach, inspire, encourage, and bless someone along the way.

So I welcome you into my world of smiles, laughter, tears, hurts, pain, love and faith. Please feel free to respond back so long as it's a positive encounter. I'm tired of negativity. I don't mind constructive criticism as long as it is backed with lovingkindness - "a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down" a lot easier.

Thanks for checking in....and may the blog continue...